this is not ABOUT cancer.

cancer is merely the pony i have ridden into this landscape.

it is not where i am. not who i am. not even what i care about particularly.

i will say, however, in cancer’s defense, that it is a fine and surprising means by which to explore terrain. especially if you don’t mind the unknowns and inconsistencies. and i am trying not to mind them. because sometimes the unexpected is the best possible news. sometimes not.

anyhow, for my purposes, it is a much better pony than a conk in the head at the hands of my bathtub.

and my thesis here is that cancer is so terrifying because of its vagaries. and the vagaries are so terrifying because they are exactly like life. and without anyone here to temper my outburst, i will proclaim that facing an unknown death is exactly like life. so much so, in fact, i find myself unable to distinguish between the two.